Coming to a pit-stop

Tried LaoBeiJing and Nando's, visited the Night Safari, spent time with couzzie, caught Karate Kid, met my future bosses, attended W&M ministry retreat and spoke with 2 important friends of my life.

I think there is a grave question I have to ask myself tonight. Have I been a good friend?

As I grow older, I think I gain some, I lose some. For the knowledge I've acquired, let's hope they stay in my head long enough to be applied in future. Friends I've lost, I can only say I wish I had known you better.

Even more so as I take another step nearer to life as a working adult, I hope my friends will still remember the moments we had shared while we were still youths. Trust me, they will become exceptionally precious when you realise I'm drifting further from you.

I see those things coming, yet I am powerless to change facts. I can only say brace Jessie, brace.

Over the course of a week, I've been speaking all sorts of people. Especially since I went for a retreat, I had the opportunity to engage in decent conversations with people I never really spoke to. They turned out to be really heartwarming, and then I realise the only reason why it was so was because I disciplined myself to have an open heart and I wanted to love. Maybe, all along, I was the barrier. On the other hand, over the course of the same week, I had people whom I've known for a longer time disappointing me. Sometimes I wonder is it because I care too much or people care too little. Does the problem lie with me? If so, I really want to learn how to go about changing. But if it happens otherwise, how else can I see a difference other than to pray and wait?

My birthday has passed for close to a month. That's one of the most important day in my annual calendar, because I can legitimately receive love and gifts from people without feeling ashamed nor burdened by their nicety. To those who have given me a portion of your love, I am deeply grateful. To those who haven't, please don't anymore. Don't have to do anything out of obligation nor goodwill which is coming a month later. I think a month's time has been enough to gauge who were the ones who took the effort to celebrate a birthday. So if the grace period has past, it only shows one thing. Just let it go. I won't love any of you more or less just because of it. May I never allow my love for others to be that ugly or superficial.

Whatever it is, I think I have a long lesson to go about love. Towards strangers, acquaintances, friends and even family.

In this current season of my life, I think I need an immense amount of courage, faith, hope and love. To the dear ones who have a glimpse of what I'm talking about, I think I better start telling myself that with God all things are possible. That's the problem with me, when I come face to face with something near to impossible, I curl myself up like how a tortoise hides itself in the shell. I think it's time to search for some bravery inside of me, grab hold of Heavenly Papa's hand, and command the mountain to "move away, dude".

Before I know it, June will come to an end. I don't want it to slip pass me when I haven't done anything much to make a difference. Surely that wouldn't please my Teacher.

And lastly, let me just share with you that there are times where I desperately want to give up trying too. Thoughts of lets-just-forget-it cross my mind like traffic lights changing signals. Having experienced my fair share of roller coaster rides, may I take the opportunity to tell you that the only thing which keeps me safe is the word of God. That's why, quiet time and meditation are important. Read read read and nothing goes in, you're just still a reader. Ming bai mah.

Yes Jessie, you can stop being a preacher now. Go have your quiet time too.

For the times I've been a lousy friend, accept my sincere apologies. To those who still see me as a good friend, thank you from the bottom of my heart.